tearful heart, bloody eyes

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:04:52 GMT

good bye everyone....

Sun, 31 May 2009 02:05:09 GMT

trapped within wall, caught within words. i wish he would save me...

Thu, 28 May 2009 14:17:55 GMT

helplessly i laid there last night. all i wanted to do was leave and help him out. i miss him so bloodly much. i never thought that i would have to be without him.

Wed, 27 May 2009 22:17:57 GMT

as another day passes, i'm left here, barely standing

Tue, 26 May 2009 02:26:07 GMT

I know people are tired of my ranting, which is why i write out my feelings. only in words that i type can i explain my thoughts and feelings most honestly and truly. right now, i'm hurtting. i'm can't seem to find the ground. i feel that everyone just says that they will be there for you, but when it comes to it, no one knows what to do but listen. but most are tired of me saying the same crap. like two people read this so i'd like to say thank you to you two.

Everyone keeps telling me to make up my mind and follow through. but it's not that simple. everyone says their lives are hard and what not, but i think of everything through and through. If i was in any other situations at the end of the day family will forgive you if not sooner, then later. however i know my family. my mother is very sensitive and i know all mothers give the i'm going to kill myself, but i'm sure not many have tried and you as a child had to stop it. and each father says i will never talk to you again if you do this. But my father has not talked to his own mother, or sisters since i can remember, so it proves to me that my father can hold a grugde. my brother is going through school and he's such a mama's boy that he doesn't see how much i need to just move out and he feels that i can just stick up with being at home for a few more years and then live my life.

Now this is how i feel. i know i have disappointed my family in the past, but i'm not like regular kids. i was forced to grow up and to grow up fast as a child. i wear my heart on my sleve. i don't open up to very many people so when i do i pour my heart onto it. i feel that since betrayal was a major part of my growing up, that i live to know that love it out there for me. i grew up not really knowing what love is. don't get my wrong my parents love me and i know that, but i have never seen them love each other. seeing familiy go through divorces. not really connecting with family. then growing up and not really have'n any stick around for very long to get to know you enough. i was just so busy with this and that, that i never really had time to make friends. it saddens me how distance i am from everyone i have known. i have been home for over a month now, and only two of my friends actually tried to contact me, until i started sharing with the world how i was doing. how sad is that? just one friend went out of his way to find out how i was doing. how does that make me feel? even my own brother didn't know what was going on until he came home. and now i have given my heart to one person. given it to him wholey and souly. no matter what happened between us i have always loved him and i have always forgiven him. i even have tried my hardest not to bring it up when we fight. i don't want to use it as a bargining chip, however it still hurts. this does not even compare to the past. i have to choose between my family and the love of my life. i have to choose between my own life and my family. i cannot hurt him more than i have so i have choosen to give him what he wants and not to call. but it's taking even once of my body not to call. i look at my phone every moment hopeing that he will call and tell me that he still loves me and he can't wait for me to be there. i know he says the things he says out of hurt and pain but i'm hurtting as well. i have not unpacked my bags. they are just sitting there waiting for me to get up and go. i can't even eat without being yelled at, but if i'm not hungry then i am not hungry. i wish my parents could see the pain in my eyes and notice how much this is hurtting me. i wish my brother could see how he doesn't know how hard this is. how i was ready to marry this man. and i had to give it up. but i don't want to give it up. i want this to work out but i need to get my butt out of this house. my parents are reasonable. i wish someone would help me instead of telling me things i always know. but no one can help me out of here. only god or if he gives me time and lets me know how much he misses me too. or my mother to come and see what i'm feeling. that i'm just like her but i have found someone to be with me. that my father has stopped me from being my own person just like her. i'm tired, i'm confused, and my mind is so clouded with thoughts of being with him that i know of nothing else.

so with my luck, this world is better without me. physical pain is the only pain that can keep me from feeling the pain i have in my heart.

missing him. freaking out. lost. hurt.

either way i loose a piece of my heart. love them all. can't have them all...

Sun, 24 May 2009 00:58:57 GMT

i need to get out of here, but how do you tell your parents that you don't want to do what they think is best for you and that you want to be on your own doing what you feel is right for your life. i wish someone could come over and tell my parents that i am a responsible person and that they are going to take me out of the house. *sighs* i'm so lost here at home. i can feel myself falling into depression and at least people out there have people to talk to, to turn to. the only connection i have is my cell phone and i can't talk freely on it because people are always around me. even internet use is watched over. i'm tired of all this. i can't even just up and leave because my mother is very overly emotional and i'm afraid that she will go through and hurt herself because she has tried in the past. i can see how unhappy she is in the marriage, and that my father is using her. she has always taught me to be with someone who loves me. who will take care of me and most importantly don't rush into things because these are the mistakes that she did when marrying my father. i have found someone who loves me, who has a good and stable job to take care of me, and who i have known for almost 10 years and been with for more than half that time. i heart aces becuase i can't be with him because my parents made me choose between them or him. i have chosen them, but each day i question weather that was the right choice for me because i am miserable. i hate them for make'n give up someone who loves me. can i just leave? should i just leave? i shouldn't, but i want to. my heart is telling me to run, and to run now, but my mind is telling me family is family. why can't my family just let me make my own life and not care so much and not control every part of my life. i am old enough that they don't need to always have someone watching over me. i'm old enough to make my own mistakes in life. i'm old enough to know who i love and who i don't want to love. and right now, i don't want to be anywhere but with the one that loves me. i don't feel safe in my parents house, i feel nervous when knowing that i have to go into the house. every night i lay there just stare'n at a ceiling, not feeling like it is my home. why can't my brother see that he's also old enough to leave when he pleases, so i don't look like the bad guy. why don't he leave with me. i will take care of him. i will pay for his schooling. dammit. I NEED TO FIND THE COURAGE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE. but how do you tell your family you feel like you are better off without them.... *in tears all the time*

... vent nuber two....

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:14:29 GMT

i need to write things out again. i feel trapped. i feel as cliche as it sounds, like that mtv commercials were that guy is sitting in the baby seat and wants to buy something online but his mother doens't allow him to. so now i hear that my father wants to hire a private investagtor to follow me around to find out what it is that i am hiding. WTF?... honestly at this rate i will be honestly be going crazy, literally. let me go. if you want to disown me then do it. you are driving everyone crazy including yourself. if you want to kick me out then do it. stop trying to play the whole we don't need your money and we arnet asking for it, and then trying to prove something and stop asking for proof of employment. i have been make'n it on my own for the past five years if you haven't noticed, and as for a place to live. i will be able to find one don't you worry. it's not even a treat to me to move out, becuase you know if you even give me that little way, you know i will totally just move out on you. i have paid myself through school, paid my own piano lessons, paid my own transportation expect my car insurence, however i am paying my own life insureance. here's to wishing i had a better relationship with my parents. that they didn't want to hold on to me so tightly. love them, but i don't tell people much. i don't talk to my friends and i don't talk to my boyfriend. it is who i am. i don't talk to anyone. it was how i grew up, not having anyone close to me, and therefore it is who i am. wish you would see that i'm not trying to punish you by holding back, but trying to prove that i can make it on my own, and that you raised a daughter that can stand on her own two feet.

... i am a disappointment....

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:15:35 GMT

So i don't speak up with it comes to my parents, but when i do? everything is taken literally. i am hurt, but they didn't let me explain. they took it as they as parents hurt me. but they failed ot listen to what i was trying to say. i am hurt when they compare me to others. when they remind me that i did not live up to their expectations. i hide parts of my self because i feel embarassed and hurt. what do they want me to say? that i fear i will never get a job? that i know i can live on my own however i feel too much of a connection with my parents to leave my house? and they think that by saying, if you kick her out, that she will do fine because she is a server making hundreds of dollars and has so much money that she doesn't know what to do with it. excuse me but i do not make that kind of money. and those words didn't hurt me? that you make'n assumptions don't hurt me? yes i know that you lived a tough life, but i hide my life from the world. no one in my life knows the kinds of things that go on in my head. for example, did you know that i sometimes question if i'm depressive? that i have honestly had urges to do things to myself and fought myself knowing better? that i think that you would be better without me? that i don't feel like i'm good enough for anyone around me? that i cry at least twice a week, and cry myself to sleep three times a week? you don't know this because i don't tell. i don't tell you becuase i don't want you to worry. let me do things on my own time. i don't need you to pressure me into things. you did not have to, in your words "remind" me to everything, because i will do things at my own time. at my own will. you would think that you would be proud of me for being able to stand on my own. i know more than most people my age because i was froced to grow up early. i don't go out partying, everyone aorund me knows that i'm not one to party, and drink, and that i have never done anything remotely rebellious. all you see are the things you want to see. and remember only the things you want to remember. i was young, i was naive, but now you need to let me to make my own mistakes. for heaven's sake i'm almost 23, live at home where my parents still want to monitor where i go when i go and i should be home by a certain time if it doens't come to work.

i'm going bonkers!

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 17:08:33 GMT

my mother is home 24/7 since she has been laid off. this is driving me crazy! as most of my friends know, i don't go partying, i have never been drunk, i don't do drugs, heck i have never even been to a kegger. i'm not a party person i have never been clubbing, for heaven's sake i think i'm a pretty responsible child. i work and make my own way through school and i have never asked my parents for money, but i even help pay of some of the bills at home. so i think i'm doing pretty well off for myself. but she knows that i struggle to make it through my payments and therefore i need to work, and she's lecture'n me about how late i come home from work. I'm a hard worker and i think i'm pretty good at what i do. it's not like she's helping me with my payments, so why the heck does she keep lectureing me about how much of a bad kid i am and how much "Freedom" she has allowed me to have? WTF??!?!?!... what freedom?? the only freedom i get is that i make my own money and spend my money how i need to spend it, but of crouse not without her lecture'n me about how i waste my money. WTF?! it's all messed up and i'm tired of it! i call home every day i stay downtown for school, i come home on weekends, then i go to work come home, teach piano on my normal days, and it's not like i just go where i want whenever i want. this is f'd up! i don't like to swear but she's driving me insane. i'm home for an entire day, and this is what i get. nothing but lecture'n and she wonder's why i don't like come'n home or staying home. i would rather work my 14 hours work days then be at home when all my mother does is lecture and all my dad does is double ask me everything a million times and when my mother lectures him, she takes all his anger out on me. so i'm stuck here on my own with two people who can't stand each other's company, and my mother who doesn't talk to anyone make'n my life seem like the worst daughter award. this is why i want to move out. but i don't have the heart to leave my mom even after all this.... i really do wish that someone will be able to show my mom that i'm not a bad kid. and make her realize i'm not staying out til 1am partying, but i'm working. working for money that i need and that this family doesn't have.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:47:45 GMT

wow this thing is still up... but i can't write in here just yet... so i will be back

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 00:04:12 GMT

.................................................................. oy vey

Tue, 22 May 2007 04:43:52 GMT

i've been gone.... doesn't even care.... *sighs* i'll be back in t.o in a couple of hours.... considering i'll be on the bus in less then four hours i should really sleep... but can i sleep is the question...

Mehs

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:05:22 GMT

He has two days, before my heart starts shutting the world out again... i will be able to do it this time.. i will... i didn't want to be the cold hearted person i once was.. but i can be... i gotta be strong, cuz i'm fallen apart

so my house reno's are almost done.. and i'm so excited.. everyone has to come see the house =D and school is almost out. and that means jen needs to out of here ASAP! Lent still going on.. and jen still being strong.. but now more then ever temptation is strong... oh drinks.. i will be back to you soon!

I'm still alive!

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 16:53:00 GMT

yes, i'm still here. still reading, still living. life stinks, but everyone knows that. i thought my life would be able to move on but i can't seem to find that grip. logically i know what things are and what things are supose to be, but emotionaly i don't understand the feelings that i feel. i feel like a lost soul and just hopeing that maybe when i wake up in the morning that things weren't true. but things are always true, and therefore i lay in bed night after night not able to sleep. i think i may be come'n down with a sleeping problem. no matter what time i sleep at, i always seem to wake up an hour or two.. spend an hour not able to sleep and then crash for another hour and so on and so fourth. i walk around these days with a large chip on my shoulders and a heavy heart. i double think everything and anything and i just can't find my self. i have always been a lost soul but now more then ever i feel like i have no direction. sure, i have burried myslef in writing and school work but i feel myself weathering away in random thoughts and even random feelings... sighs jen out...

living to the next sunset...

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 04:18:10 GMT

it has definately been a while once again, but i guess cuz life is running by so fast that there isn't much time for me to write. well this week is diferent. it has been nothing but confusion. hence i strongly becuase in karma. so i guess this week karma has come and bit me on the @$$ majorly this time.

everything form physcial to emotional this past week and a half that in teh middle of a lecture i found myself tearing up once again. out of no wheres. i hate bottle'n all my feelings inside, but i don't know where to start and i don't really know how to find it to speak up. from old memories that i haven't delt with to new ones that i don't know how to say. i can honestly say i'm loose'n myself again. to be prefecting honest i don't like thist ime of year. every year around this time, it just means a lot of heart ace for me.

the only thing that i look forward is seeing the odd person that i haven't seen in months. other than that, everything is the same, if not much more difficult. with physcially not able to get around as fast, to finding things about people that i failed to see from them. i have nothing much doing things for others, that i rarely have time for myself now a days. which is why i am so flustered once again in my life. i try to do things right but no matter what i do, things just seem to fall out when i least expect it. keepings myself busy doesn't help me anymore, and i have no other excape but to write.

when i feel like this all my feelings hieghten. all my friends ask me why i'm so emotional and why i take things to the extent which i do, but it's because i seem to have a pretty good sense of when things aren't right, and most of the time it's true. and when i feel like this i get super sensitive because i don't know how else to deal with it.honestly i deal with my feelings much like a child. i bottle everything up, but when someone attacks me personally, i take it to heart and to bed. and it's not even relationships that i am ranting about. it's just the pure stress that i get from life.

i'm sure you have all heard me rant on and on, but i needed to let it out...

and for that.. i'm sry...

and with that, everything is the same, yet just the little things are scrweing me over.. things that should be simple are turning out to be the things that are hurtting me the most slowly..
good night everyone...

copy'n christatatataa

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 14:40:37 GMT

Step 1: Put your music program of choice on random.

Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.

Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

Rule 1: No skipping songs because they're embarrassing! (Unless they're just music / a movie)

Rule 2: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is cheating!

• Striked out = someone guessed it correctly

• Comment if you know a song(s), if you know all of them, don't say ALL of them; give others a chance :)

~~1. lalala, lalala, lalala oh, i never felt like this before, lalala, lalala, lalala oh, this feels like so real....~~

~~2. i'm come'n up, i'm come'n up, i'm come'n up, i want the world to know.~~

~~3. i don't want just another pretty face, i don't want just anyone to hold~~

~~4. story of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me~~

5. You taught me anything and everything, i'll always keep it inside

6. don't pretend u r sorry, i know you're not

7. where in the world have u been hide'n, really you are prefect

8. how long, i've waited here for you, everlong

~~9. Think of me, think of me fondly~~

10. You set my soul at ease, just darkness out of view

11. oh, at times i thought i lost myself, cuz ppl make you someone else

12. oohhhhh, i long for, the warm of days gone by, when u were mine

13. every i since u went away and left me lonely and cold

~~14. can you keep up, baby, make me lose my breath, make me lose my breath~~

~~15. stupid cupid, you are a real mean guy~~

16. just give me the chz, i'll make ya smoke it yo

17. when i was just a little girl, my mama use tuck me into bed and read me a story

~~18. need more friends with wings~~

~~19. here's the thing, we were cool, started out friends~~

20. this is what u do, this is what u do, you make me wanna be the one to start a new relationship with you

21. oooOOooooo, the visions surounds you, when tears in ur eyes

22. when i when i saw you, i already knew, that there was something, inside of you

23. oy, i'm sick of this man, i can't even take this no more, cuz i hate the fact that i love you so much

~~24. i don't konw, what he does to make you cry, but i'll be there to make you smile~~

25. they say money can't buy you love, they say money can't buy you love, but u just don't seem to listen..

giving into peer pressure.. LOL

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 02:44:31 GMT

since everyone else is doing it.. i'm curious to know!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=PanPan

enjoy...

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 22:04:54 GMT

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 17:05:59 GMT

You can ask me six questions.
Any six questions you like!

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

I will try to answer them truthfully.
_____________________________________

It's the best way to find out more about someone.
_________________________________________________

Post this your LJ in order to get to know people better as well.

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 03:29:55 GMT

worked today. it was fuck'n rejectful. got to work at 1130. then i was to start work at 12, but u know me, i started early at like 1150. *no extra mins there :(* then i worked til five. when i was suposet to get off the manager asked me if i could work for two hours starting at six. so i was like ok. so i phone home cuz i have no car, then by the time i was finished doing my side chores it was 515. so i had 45 mins. no point in going anywheres, so i sat, ate and talked. then started at 6. frig, t.o owned tonight :D and hence the packed bar. filled with so many different ppl, include'n some familiar faces. then i ended up staying til 1045. shit i'm tired. been on my feet all day. worked almost freak'n 10 hours today. i'm so tired. but i don't even know if tip even makes up for what i am feeling right now. oy! fuck i'm hungry i gotta go eat...

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 03:07:39 GMT

... will you be my darling?... =)

A job i got all on my own =)

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 20:27:53 GMT

muhahahaha!!!.. i'm feeling happy.. it all happened so fast, but i have a job now... like one i got fully on my own... i'm happy =) so to all you who just love to go out to eat, tell me if u are ever going to hit up East Side Marios at Markville Mall. =) whooopppieeee!!!! hostess and server in training :D i know it's not glamourous or something, but hey it's a job. oh i'm going to be so happy when i get eh unifrom. cuz then i will feel offical... LOL.. i know i'm such a geek >,

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 03:16:53 GMT

so i wrote something long, but i think i'm just going to point form it... ask me if u like

-next week is come'n.. >,<
-is only going to get more crazy
-writing again... pages and pages
-why do things always do something funny when i think we are good
-i hate money still
-i hate shopping more
-its nice have'n someone tell me that i matter
-i miss being a someone to someone
-i seem to be back at 117...
-dreading next week and looking forward....
-i need an out, someone save me

i have a headace and not feeling well, yet i know i'm not sick... i hate stinky weather... >,

next time you think of passing a roumor....

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 15:22:26 GMT

Please Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 03:17:31 GMT

question to all... or rather questions that are related...

what do u think of chivarly (what it was and what it is now)?

and do you think chivarly is dead today? why or why not?

please please post something back....